Wednesday, August 01, 2007


Well G'day Everybody.
How ya going sweethearts!!. So after years of tripping around ozz and the old mother country, yours truly has finally sat down and decided that I would put down on paper (sorry sport) put down on computer his tripping memoirs. With my first story I'll take ya for a trip to the other side of the world.... ENGLAND. The first trip (and hopefully the last) on a plane. I'll take ya from the drunken cold nights in the front seat of the rental car in the highlands of Scotland, too the drunken cold nights in 'The Local' of Otley. And all you have to do is put up with reading this crap.
So if you haven't got anything better to do, then grab yourself a couple of coldies, put ya feet up and stretch back in your comfie chair. And here we go with the first book in the Notso Series.

Friday, June 01, 2007


So here I was, sitting back in a chair at the Perth International Airport bar with me future misses Tania, me brother Phil and one of me best mates Jacky Rissole. Just having a quick yak before I was to jump on a plane for a flight to the other side of the the earth, to a place called England.
(the land of the win gin' poms). What was install for your's truly , I didn't have a clue. I was going to a place on earth that the only thing I knew
about was that Rolf Harris lived there. Actually come to think of it, I knew a fair bit about old England, fairdinkum, for starters I knew it would be cold. That they made a show called 'Doctor Who' and that the Queen hangs out there. Three perfectly good reasons for not going, which I used in my case against going, but somehow fell on the misses deaf ears....(bloody woman).
Anyway I had to look on the bright side of this trip. Not everyday does a bloke get to fly to a place which is renown for it's drinking, and the misses had told me all about the pubs in Otley so it can't be all bad hay. So with our bags packed and with my going away present (a bottle of vegimite, from brother Phil) in my hand we boarded our plane for the flight to England. Did I tell you I hate flying and I reckon I will
to the day I die. I reckon if the old bloke upstairs wanted us to fly he would of given us bloody wings. When I sat down in me seat my heart rate was pretty high, when we taxied to the runway it was bloody high. But when we took off i'm surprised I didn't fucking die!!!. Fairdinkum my sphincter was working flamin' overtime. I BLOODY HATE FLYING. I put flying up there with rollercoasters, parachutein' and a spice-girls concert!!. But once your up there it's not that bad until you hit some bloody turbulence, then up goes your heart ratennnnghyuferrrrrrrrtrrej56 again. But at least we were in the air and now I could settle back and indulge in my most loved pastime.... having' a beer. Well I reckon I deserved at least six drinks for starters, for just getting on the bloody plane. It wasn't long before the sheilahs started walking along the aisle serving' drinks and tucker, so I just layed back and let my heart rate settle down. Then Tania asked the sheilah for a drink for me, I've sort of trained Tania to 'fletch the drinks' sometimes but I haven't been able to get past the next hurdle - getting her to pay for it!!!. But to be honest I don't think any bloke in the world get's past that hurdle. But anyway she asked for a drink and the stewardess said 'Oh I'm sorry but this airline doesn't serve acholelic drinks'.....WHAT!! DID I HEAR YOU CORRECT!! This can't be happenin', I felt like I was in an episode of the X-FILES... Nooooooo. But before I lost consciousness, I had to think quick.... (which isn't one of my strong points) Now I think she said 'no acholelic drinks'..... Now let's just let that sink in..... That's when I lost consciousness. When I awoke from my nightmare I found myself looking face to face with a plastic cup full of orange juice. This trip to England was not looking good. This would mean 26 hours flying with nothing to kill my thirst with except bloody orange juice, the nightmare continued....
During our trip we
had to land at Brunei which is just one of those little places you only go to if your airplane needs petrol. Then takeoff again, you'd think you'd get use to it by now.... nope!!!. Then take off again, I still hate flying. Then we landed in Abu Dhabi. Now this was an eye opener. If you thought that Australia had some shitholes, just imagine your worst place in aussie (i.e Norseman, Coolgardie, Fiztroy crossing) and put about ten million wogs and tea towel heads in it and you've got Abu Dhabi Airport.
Everybody tells me that these bastards are the most wealthiest people in the world, fairdinkum these buggers can't even afford a proper suit. They all walkabout wearing bedsheets, fairdinkum, I'm not joking!. They don't even wear good looking ones with little flowers on them. They just wear plain ones, white, brown, or black. If I'd known that, I could of brought some bedsheets from WA SALVAGE, cut a hole in it for the head and gave them a length of rope to tire around their waste and there you've got it!!. A $300 three piece suit, for around $18 (I could of made a killing). And for just another $30 I could throw in a tea towel for their scone. I reckon I should look into this ..... see some people laugh at ideas like mine. But it's ideas like this one that gave us blokes like Bil Gates, Richard Bronson and Alan Bond. I can see now, my own store in woggie country (or whatever this place is called) I've even thought of a name for it 'BEDSHEETS ARE US' - come in and have your own bedsheet fitted!!. I reckon it's got legs. But getting back to Abubloodydhabi I do feel pretty bloody sorry for that mob of people, fairdinkum they must be the most ugliest mob of people in the world!!. No joke, they are one fucked up mob of people, I thought the Pakistanies were a bloody ugly mob but this mob leaves them for dead!!. Fairdinkum I saw a mother and child walk past me and no joke I didn't know which one looked worst, when i layed eyes on the child I thought it was bloody ET!!. Come to think of it if ET landed here someone would of bunged a bedsheet on him, slapped a tea towel on his head and took him bloody home.
Now I know we have our fair share of ugly gits like Jennie little, Sue Chuckshank and some of those sheilahs I went out with from Baseball, but it's only a few bad eggs in the whole bunch. But here we have a whole bloody race of ugly units!!!. Now I know I'm no Mel Gibson, but then again I'm no friggin' Elephant man either. But compared to these people, I'm a bloody male model. Fairdinkum, come to think of it, that could be me next job, no joke. I could be walking down the catwalk of Abu Dhabi Airport lou
nge wearing my best bedsheet (now stay with me on this one).... I can see it now, the announcer would say 'And now we come to 'Bedsheets are us', and here we can see Carlos modeling one of their finest numbers called 'NO NAME BRAND', a very bright number with a few little flowers on it, you can just see how it falls of the hip. And as with all their bedsheets, it comes with a fine stitching that can only be found in Taiwan!!. What ya reckon??
Anyway where were we.... That's right, we boarded the plane for the last time (I
think I might change that) we boarded for our last leg of the journey which would put us down in smokie, cold, shittie little London. It was in the morning' that we few over London, you could see the river Thames snakin' it's way threw the heart of the city. It was actually very beautiful sight to see. And that's a big statement from yours truly, because as you would know I only use that word for things like the Macpherson sisters, Sydney harbour bridge and Toothys New!!. But that was the feeling I got just looking down on this town thay call LONDON.
So after hour's and bloody hour's of flying we finally had made it to England. The land of the full monty!!

Sunday, April 01, 2007


Well here we were in old London town. To say England is a bit different is probably the best way of saying it. The first thing you notice, it's cold. Not bloody cold, but cold (if that makes sense). But after about ten minutes it becomes bloody cold. And this is the beginning of summer?. The first thing I saw that told me I was in the land of the pommie, was a taxi. These look like the taxi's you see in the movies. And then I saw it... The TARDIS. That's right it was just like the one in Doctor Who. But first things first, we had to find a place to stay for the night. So we looked up a hotel that was in the 'Lonely planet guidebook'. It was pretty cheap for London, it was 32 pounds for a night (for both, Thank God). Bloody expansive if you ask me but for London it was cheap i think?. It was called Leinster Inn. We left the airport on the bus and went to bayswater which is near Nothin' hill (like in the movie, cool) It took us about an hour to find the mogul place, but when we went upstairs to our room, I knew this was one of those moments you can only dream off. You know when you do something bad in life, and you know one day you'll pay for it. Well I think that day we could safety call 'ARMAGEDDON'. After climbing up four fucking flights of stairs, in a stairway that was only big enough for one person to walk up, we get to our floor 'the penthouse' (so to speak). Then preceded to walk across, up, down, along a small corridor to we got to our room. Then opened the door to our penthouse suite. Let's just say it was different. Actually I loved it, It was like having the whole township of Coolgardie in one hotel. What a shithole!!. Before going out Tania had a shower and came back complaining of the water going cold. So I thought I'd have to have a cold shower in London, bloody great. I went on the journey to the bathroom... up, down, along, threw a corridor, around and across and experienced one of the most amazing bathrooms I had ever layed eyes on. Compared to this, my cockroached infested bathroom at mayfield was Buckingham bloody Palace!!. MyGod!!, But I thought 'here go's nothin' as I turned on the shower, a spray shotstraight out and nearly fuckin' knocked out my bloody eye. Then as the pain shot threw my face, there was nothin' else??. where's the water? your guess is as good as mine. It just disappeared, not even a bloody dripple... well I'd be.... so I went back to our room, Tania saw my face and said 'The waters cold hay? all my frozen lips could manage was 'what water'!!.
So with a drye
d face and smelly armpits, I was ready to face Old London. So we brought a couple of tickets on 'THE BIG BUS' it has three routes you could go on in 24 hours, so off we went for a trip around London. We sat up on the top deck that did'nt have a roof so within a couple of miles Tania turned into an iceypole 'so much for tough english skin'. We drove all over London, Notting hill, Kensington, Westminster, Bloomsbury, all over the place. Without doubt London is just unbelievable. Ive seen nothing like it before, We saw a live Bobbie with their funny hats. We saw St Paul's it's bloody huge, Then we jumped on a boat trip down the River Thames. That took us past London bridge, then past the Tower bridge, very impressive and then past Big Ben. Then we walked around Trafalgar Square THE HEART OF THE CITY, and saw Nelson's column (bloody big mate). Talk about fat pigeons!! When you stand in the Square it's just unbelievable- People everywhere 'where to next' I ask the misses, we were looking at St Martins in the field church,National Gallery, Admiralty arch, South Africa house, Canada house, and Cathedrals everywhere.... and she said "McDonald's' (a sheilah after me own heart). So off we went for a burger n' chips. But we did get to see heaps of London. We saw Westminster Abbey, St James Park we even caught a London taxi (cool). We had a look at Piccadilly Circus, we then went and had a look at the Tower of London. Which I will admit that I was expecting a bloody big tower but it's actually a Castle. Why did'nt thay just call it the London Castle??. We got to see a real live Beefeater!! (cool) we spent a fair bit of time having a gander at the Castle, we even got to see the Queens Jewel's (so to speak). Then it was that time of day to hit the pubs. And so we had a drink in a pub called 'THE PRINCE EDWARD' and had my very first pommie PINT!!. Closely fowered by the second and third. Not bad considing they serve them out of a microwave!!!But I think I can get use to them, so five pints latter I'd made up our mind I could get the taste of it.
So of we went back to our castle, Leinster bloody Inn. For a nights kip (so much for jetlag). The next day we saw Kensington Palace, Tania got a photo with a fairdinkum Bobbie. Then a walk threw Kensington Gardens. That's when we decided that our accommodation just was'nt up to our high standard (this from a couple who lived on the bloody nullabore). So we caught a bus up to LEEDS, then another one to OTLEY. The moment of truth had come. In my short life I had staired Death in the face as a BBQ plate fell on me (thanks vicki). I had seen my life flash in frount of my eyes (1000 pubs) when I bungie jumped in Queensland. I had taken my life in my hands when I looked in my rearvision mirror and saw nothin', only to drive my beloved GREENTHING into the path of a bloody big truck (thanks mirror). But NEVER had I ever experienced the most dauntin' moment that was in frount of me now. THE EVEREST of my scareie moments in life was just about to hit it's high!!! I was to meet the INLAWS!!!. God have mercy on me.... nnnnnnooooooooooo.

Thursday, February 01, 2007


Well I made it to Otley, this place is just great. It's like living a fridge. Actually ive been very surprised by England. The people are very friendly and the weather isn't that bad, when the sun's out. And ive just been laying back taking all the Otley has to offer in. I'll start by telling ya about the township that is Otley. Well Otley dates back to the seventh century (so it's quiet old) Anglo-saxon times (cool). It was and still is a market town surrounded by outstanding dales. Thay use some of the shops and copshop in the show HEARTBEAT, and these even cobbled stone lanes (cool). There's a hugh mountain side that runs for ages which the Otleytearians call THE CHEVIN. From the top of the Chevin you can see the whole countryside and the township. The old All saints church in the township dates back to the eleveth century. You might know an old bloke called Thomas Chippendale, well he was born in Otley (1718) and started his beaut funiture at this place. And there's a beaut river that run's through the town called RIVER WHARFEDALE. And most important thing is the pubs. There's heaps of them around town and on the outskirts.

Monday, January 01, 2007


Well this was it....