(the land of the win gin' poms). What was install for your's truly , I didn't have a clue. I was going to a place on earth that the only thing I knew about was that Rolf Harris lived there. Actually come to think of it, I knew a fair bit about old England, fairdinkum, for starters I knew it would be cold. That they made a show called 'Doctor Who' and that the Queen hangs out there. Three perfectly good reasons for not going, which I used in my case against going, but somehow fell on the misses deaf ears....(bloody woman).
Anyway I had to look on the bright side of this trip. Not everyday does a bloke get to fly to a place which is renown for it's drinking, and the misses had told me all about the pubs in Otley so it can't be all bad hay. So with our bags packed and with my going away present (a bottle of vegimite, from brother Phil) in my hand we boarded our plane for the flight to England. Did I tell you I hate flying and I reckon I will to the day I die. I reckon if the old bloke upstairs wanted us to fly he would of given us bloody wings. When I sat down in me seat my heart rate was pretty high, when we taxied to the runway it was bloody high. But when we took off i
'm surprised I didn't fucking die!!!. Fairdinkum my sphincter was working flamin' overtime. I BLOODY HATE FLYING. I put flying up there with rollercoasters, parachutein' and a spice-girls concert!!. But once your up there it's not that bad until you hit some bloody turbulence, then up goes your heart ratennnnghyuferrrrrrrrtrrej56 again. But at least we were in the air and now I could settle back and indulge in my most loved pastime.... having' a beer. Well I reckon I deserved at least six drinks for starters, for just getting on the bloody plane. It wasn't long before the sheilahs started walking along the aisle serving' drinks and tucker, so I just layed back and let my heart rate settle down. Then Tania asked the sheilah for a drink for me, I've sort of trained Tania to 'fletch the drinks' sometimes but I haven't been able to get past the next hurdle - getting her to pay for it!!!. But to be honest I don't think any bloke in the world get's past that hurdle. But anyway she asked for a drink and the stewardess said 'Oh I'm sorry but this airline doesn't serve acholelic drinks'.....WHAT!! DID I HEAR YOU CORRECT!! This can't be happenin', I felt like I was in an episode of the X-FILES... Nooooooo. But before I lost consciousness, I had to think quick.... (which isn't one of my strong points) Now I think she said 'no acholelic drinks'..... Now let's just let that sink in..... That's when I lost consciousness. When I awoke from my nightmare I found myself looking face to face with a plastic cup full of orange juice. This trip to England was not looking good. This would mean 26 hours flying with nothing to kill my thirst with except bloody orange juice, the nightmare continued....During our trip we had to land at Brunei which is just one of those little places you only go to if your airplane needs petrol. Then takeoff again, you'd think you'd get use to it by now.... nope!!!. Then take off again, I still hate flying. Then we landed in Abu Dhabi. Now this was an eye opener. If you thought that Australia had some shitholes, just imagine your worst place in aussie (i.e Norseman, Coolgardie, Fiztroy crossing) and put about ten million wogs and tea towel heads in it and you've got Abu Dhabi Airport.
Everybody tells me that these bastards are the most wealthiest people in the world, fairdinkum these buggers can't even afford a proper suit. They all walkabout wearing bedsheets, fairdinkum, I'm not joking!. They don't even wear good looking ones with little flowers on them. They just wear plain ones, white, brown, or black. If I'd known that, I could of brought some bedsheets from WA SALVAGE, cut a hole in it for the head and gave them a length of rope to tire around their waste and there you've got it!!. A $300 three piece suit, for around $18 (I could of made a killing). And for just another $30 I could throw in a tea towel for their scone. I reckon I should look into this ..... see some people laugh at ideas like mine. But it's ideas like this one that gave us blokes like Bil Gates, Richard Bronson and Alan Bond. I can see now, my own store in woggie country (or whatever this place is called) I've even thought of a name for it 'BEDSHEETS ARE US' - come in and have your own bedsheet fitted!!. I reckon it's got legs. But getting back to Abubloodydhabi I do feel pretty bloody sorry for that mob of people, fairdinkum they must be the most ugliest mob of people in the world!!. No joke, they are one fucked up mob of people, I thought the Pakistanies were a bloody ugly mob but this mob leaves them for dead!!. Fairdinkum I saw a mother and child walk past me and no joke I didn't know which one looked worst, when i layed eyes on the child I thought it was bloody ET!!. Come to think of it if ET landed here someone would of bunged a bedsheet on him, slapped a tea towel on his head and took him bloody home.
Now I know we have our fair share of ugly gits like Jennie little, Sue Chuckshank and some of those sheilahs I went out with from Baseball, but it's only a few bad eggs in the whole bunch. But here we have a whole bloody race of ugly units!!!. Now I know I'm no Mel Gibson, but then again I'm no friggin' Elephant man either. But compared to these people, I'm a bloody male model. Fairdinkum, come to think of it, that could be me next job, no joke. I could be walking down the catwalk of Abu Dhabi Airport lounge wearing my best bedsheet (now stay with me on this one).... I can see it now, the announcer would say 'And now we come to 'Bedsheets are us', and here we can see Carlos modeling one of their finest numbers called 'NO NAME BRAND', a very bright number with a few little flowers on it, you can just see how it falls of the hip. And as with all their bedsheets, it comes with a fine stitching that can only be found in Taiwan!!. What ya reckon??
Anyway where were we.... That's right, we boarded the plane for the last time (I think I might change that) we boarded for our last leg of the journey which would put us down in smokie, cold, shittie little London. It was in the morning' that we few over London, you could see the river Thames snakin' it's way threw the heart of the city. It was actually very beautiful sight to see. And that's a big statement from yours truly, because as you would know I only use that word for things like the Macpherson sisters, Sydney harbour bridge and Toothys New!!. But that was the feeling I got just looking down on this town thay call LONDON.
So after hour's and bloody hour's of flying we finally had made it to England. The land of the full monty!!
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